FINALLY COMING TO MY SENSES! :D

You know what, I've finally come to my senses. It was yesterday night after talking to him and today as well, as I pondered over what I've done and talked to God about it. And i'm really glad that i've finally come out of this trap of getting so overwhelmed by my own feelings that i tend to make stupid decisions. Like telling him how i felt about him. Yes i know, i can't believe i did that, and its like the first time i ever did something like this! I was so embarrassed after that and his reaction was not quite what i expected. But it wasn't bad, but i'm glad. Because i think it was neccessary for me to snap out of this falling in love fantasy of mine.

And yes! Two nights ago, i had this dream about him. It was a bad dream. To cut the whole long story short, i dreamt that he hurt me again. The feelings that i experienced in that dream were so real, the familiar 'stab in the heart' feeling and the tears that i cried in the dream. It was very emotional, and the whole point is that it was a reminescence of the past. This dream reminded me how it was like to be hurt, the feelings that i experienced last time became familiar to me again. And i can say that i definitely do not want to feel these horrible emotions any time soon, they're just so unpleasant. And when i woke up the next morning, the familiarity of those emotions are still there, even now as i'm typing this, i can still feel it.

I'm glad i had this dream because it gave me something to really think about, like whether do i want to experience them again, and whether what i'm doing now is worth it. I also believe that God gave me this dream for a very good reason. And today confirmed this belief even more asi was at Trumpet Praise and i came across this book about dream interpretations, and what God is trying to tell you in them. In the section on 'Past Relationships' , it says that having these dreams indicate that i'm tempted to fall back into old patterns and ways of thinking. and it is also a warning from God not to relapse into old habits and mindsets that were not profitable. When i read that, i was like 'OHMYGOSH! thats so true!' and i could really really sense that God was working and his plan for me was to kinda like stay away from him. Not that he's bad or what, but its probably best that way.

And having the conversation with Nic last night also helped. She definitely brought me to my senses too, by reminding me not to play with fire and not being so naive. Thanks girl! Even though after i talked to her, i still talked with him. But i'm glad that happened because this time our convo was different. It was just plain friend-ly and I felt weird after we hung up. Like kinda stupid, but THAT brought me to my senses as i realised it should stay that way.

My plan and promise this year is to develop a more intimate relationship with Him and really grow. I've also decided that i'm never letting any relationship that i'll have, be it friends or guys, sway and break my relationship with Him. Unlike what happened last year. But i've got no regrets because many memories were made and trials that had happened made me learn alot too. So i totally thank God for answering my prayer on leaving this whole matter in His hands and revealing to me what should be done.

I don't think a friendship with him is worth growing either because many times i've taken the initiative to try to get him to open up and talk about things. But its like he tells me he doesn't know what to say/he can't remember, and it gets boring. Like 'no creative juices ah!' Like he doens't really talk man! ohmygoodness. now i'm convinced that i should just not care about him anymore. wasting my time. that sounds mean, but thats how i really feel, because i have been wasting my time waiting for him anyway.

Oh man, this is super de duper personal. But never mind, I don't think he'll ever read this anyway!