TODAY IS THE WORST SUNDAY OF MY LIFE.

before everthing i loved sundays . my fav day of the week . or rather bcos it was church day ! the day i would get to see all my fav people and have the most fun of the week . but now everythings changed . everything different . its no longer like that . actually it already wasnt like that for quite a long time . but then cos i was busy with dance and all i never really got to experience what it was really like until today . i knew for very long that my cell grp wasnt in order . only I felt it wasnt . today i went to church ALONE . for the FIRST TIME in my entire life . you know why ? cos all the ones i was close to left and the ones that i'm close to now have drifted apart . then when i see other people waiting for each other at the stations , bus stops etc . i feel like , at least they have someone to wait for . then i would wish that if only it could be like last time again when we would all go to church together . i felt really pathetic . like sooo wth . then its like i have to go into hall 10 all by myself . i mean there's nothing wrong with that but then its SUPPOSED to be like everyone in your cell group meet up then go inside together as a whole big group right ? it was ONCE like that , but not anymore . then when i went inside . so little people was there . as in my cell grp . the rest DIDNT COME or HAVENT COME ! like what is that ! then i started feeling really SHIT . that kind of SHIT feeling . then i saw her and i kept thinking about what she did . and i realised i still feel so so angry with her . to the extent of i feel like i hate her to the core . i still cant believe she actually wanted to do something like that ! it was so so mean . i felt damn pissed and angry . and i kept on thinking WHY is my cell group like that ? why does she have to do that ? why do i have to stop my dance ? why why why . and i couldnt stop tearing during worship . i felt it was so unfair . then when i see other tribes and cells so vibrant and united . and then i look at mine . i feel so dead . some people tell me that we shouldnt compare . but then ISN'T EVERY CELL AND TRIBE SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THAT ?FUN , VIBRANT , EXCITING , UNITED ? AND INVOLVED IN CHURCH ? that is a role model i'm comparing it to a role model which we are supposed to be like . i'm not trying to say we should be exactly like them . but in similar ways . cos after all , we ARE one whole big family of networks .

so today throughout the service i was extremely down . i even wished for the pastor to hurry up and finish so that we can all go home . but then , today pastor eugene said that we should never quit . but i've endured it for so long i feel like quitting . i felt like , i dont ever wanna go church . or rather , go to church with OTHER people . i dreaded the time after service . cos i didnt wanna see her face or even talk to her . i didnt know how i was gonna handle it . but then it came . and then everyone gathered outside in hall 9 . i felt quite stupid just standing there doing nothing . actually it was okay until i heard that person's voice talking and talking non stop . i felt so freaking pissed with her again . after SO LONG . I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE STILL SUCH A HYPOCRITE . AFTER ALL THE TIMES WE WENT THROUGH AND YOU'RE STILL LIKE THAT . YOU SAY WHY AM I ALWAYS LIKE THAT ? THE FACT IS I'M LIKE THAT TOWARDS YOU . AND YOU ARE ALWAYS THE CAUSE OF ME BEING SO FREAKING UNHAPPY . then i seriously couldnt take it anymore i felt like i was gonna burst of anger so i told my leader i wanted to leave NOW . cos i know i wont be able to take what was going to happen later on . so i went to wait for my mom at the taxi stand . and shawnie accompanied me . at least she tried to make me happy and take my mind of things .

but when i went into the car , it was no better . mom asked me why i didnt go for cell today . so i told her i didnt feel like and i was pissed . then i started telling her how i had to go church alone and how my cell grp is . then i ahvent even finsh saying and she started telling me how i should be a warrior of light and all . hello ? i dont wanna hear all these now ! here i am telling you about my problems and so fast you wanna tell me how i sould overcome it and how i shouldnt compare my cell grp ? you dont even know the real reason or the circumstances i'm going thru yet la ! then we were arguing and she kept on talking and talking and talking that i felt i was gonna burst so i broke down again . i know she means well of me but then let me talk first la ! then she asked me to tell her what happened again and of cos by then i wouldnt feel like talking or saying anything . i just wanted to be LEFT ALONE but she kept on pressing me . argh . it was really the worst sunday i tell you . i dont feel like talking about this wonderful subject ever again . what i've said here is quite vague . and you dont know other things that happen or the real circumstances so dont tell me i'm wrong or conclude anything . i have NO MOOD TO HEAR ALL THAT . i dont have a mood for anything ever again . next week i'll be dancing . the VERY LAST TIME UNTIL AFTER O'S ! at least it wont be so bad . i hope next sunday will be better , a good and memorable one . until after 10 LONG MONTHS . but i've also realised something . shawnie told me as i'm stopping dance for 10 whole months bcos of O'S . let me make very good use of these 10 months and do well for my O's so that my SACRIFICE of dance will be to GOOD USE ! so yeah i'm gonna work hard and make sure that i do well . anyway nothing will change that today is the worst sunday of my life .