i'm so confused right now . cos its about last night . remember i said mom wanted to talk to me ? well she finally did , last night . and . . it was just bad . we started off about studies . then about me , she told me that she can sense it that i have changed . like i've become very materialistic and my dressing , accordding to her , has been very revealing . i mean its seriously not my fault that i dunno how to choose my sizes well that i end up buying a bigger size with the arm holes too big and the neckline too low . well i thought my washing machine would shrink it . anyways . then she also told me that recently when she had cell group in our house , aunty clare which is her cell leader told her that she also could feel that i wasnt the same as i used to be . and i guess i wont doubt what she says cos i know its true that when a person is very anointed with the holy spirit , they are able to sense what is going on in another person's life . thats how people pray for others whom they do not even know during ministry time . i know myself that i have changed . but i didnt know it was that bad . i still dont think it is . but i never know .

so then she asked me about all my new clothes . and she knows that they're from topshop , zara and all that . then she couldnt understand where i got all the money from . she even thought i WORKED like after school or someth ! thats crazy . truth is , i just bring food to school every day and dont spend my allowence at all , then by the end of the week i'll have money ! duh . but obviously i cant tell her that ! she'll prob be like the money is for you to eat not buy clothes or worse i'll have no pocket money and will have to bring food to school everyday . so of cos i couldnt risk it ! then i tried to tell her they were bought at a warehouse sale at cheap prices BUT she said she saw them in stores while out shopping ! argh . what a smart mother i have .

now this is the WORSE thing of all . she says its because of the company of friends i mix with now . i'm not denying thats a fact . and she told me that the holy spirit revealed to her ALOT of things when she prays for me . argh . i cant believe that ! that means i can NEVER EVER lie to her about anything cos she'll always find out anyways . THANKS ALOT HOLY SPIRIT ! okay i know thats a good thing and all , and yeah i wanna change and be good . but not right now when i feel so screwed up and secrets all revealed ! and i also found out from my mom that she has a friend whose daughter is very close to her and tells her ALL her stuff . so one fine day , her nosy ass daughter went on friendster to do some profile hopping . and she SO UNFORTUNATELY came upon MY PROFILE and saw all the pics that me mich and lianne took on some of our various girls night out or shopping trips . AND SHE SHOWED HER MOM THE PICS ! ! and her mom went to tell my mom that she saw me in the pics dressing 'very provacatively' . like WHAT THE SHIT IS THAT ?! omg i tell you whoever that big fat bitch is , she must have known me or else she wouldnt have shown her mom the pics . so i've already thought all about it and i have my list of shortlisted suspects ! and that stupid fcuking bitch will so get it BACK ! COS I HATE HER ! I HATE THAT FCUKING BITCH TO THE CORE ! SHE IS A NOSY NOTHING BETTER TO DO BITCH WHO FINDS JOY IN PRYING INTO PEOPLE'S LIVES AND DISHING THE DIRT OUT OF THEM AND I HATE HER ! ! ! OMG I HATE HER LIKE SHIT . I SO WANNA GET INTO A SUPER BIG GIRLFIGHT AND GIVE HER THE TIGHTEST SLAP I CAN . I HATE HER SHE IS A RUINER OF LIVES AND SHE IS A MEANEST BITCH IN THE WHOLE WORLD ! I'M STILL SO ANGRY I CANT FORGIVE HER NOW . SO DONT EXPECT ME TOO . MAYBE NEXT TIME . WE'LL SEE , IF SHE STOPS BEING A FREAKIN BITCH ! but anyways . i have deleted my friendster account and i officially hate bloody friendster my whole life ! !~ and worst still mom doent wanna tell me who the person is . but hahs i'm smart i've already SHORTLISTED THE GIRLS ! I HOPE YOU'RE READING THIS , BITCH , COS I HATE YOU !

so then afetr that i was seriously fuming so whatever mom said i just totally answered back and all that shit , yeah yeah i know i'm wrong and all . but cant you see it ? if you ever knew how i felt then . i felt sooo betrayed . even though i dont know who that bitch is . then after she kept talking and talking and all . i felt really angry with god . and i was like crying already and all that stuff . i just felt so angry that i didnt understand why is this happening to me . so then mom wanted to pray for me , and that just so wasnt the right time ! so at first i didnt wanna hear any prayer or whatever sorts . at that time i felt it was my way of getting back at god by avoiding him and alll . so when mom prayed i totally covered my ears cos i didnt wanna hear ANYTHING she said . and yeah it was a such a long prayer ! my hands ached at the end of it . okay whatever i know that was a really childish thing to do . but i was so angry then . what do you expect . then at the end of the prayer , i think mom actually cried during it . wheni saw her , i wanted to feel sad , heartbroken that i made her feel this way but then i stopped myself from feeling that way and tried to make myself feel like i couldnt give a damn about it . so then mom wanted to hug me . but i was still so angry i didnt let her . i seriously felt like pushing her away . but i didnt . i just didnt hug her back . but i think i was damn mean . i was like are you done yet ? my gosh , i was such a bitch . so in the end she left my room . then after which i was still furious , i so felt like just DOING SOMETHING to just END all this shit . but see even if i jump down now i'll still be here , like my soul/spirit/whatever will still be living on . i could never just disappear from this face of the earth so then i felt so helpless . like nothing i would do would end all this . so i grabbed my 'tools' and did someth to me , and poked the bed and the floor . so since mom was hearing so much noise she came in , AGAIN ! argh then she wanted to wait for me to sleep before she went to sleep . then argued for a while and again until she left . i know that i hurt her alot and all , also cos she told me that . but i didnt think of it at that time . so then after trying hard to get to sleep and thinkin about so many stuff i finally did .

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woke up this morning with puffy eyes due to all the crying . argh . then i immedietely rushed to freakin friendster to delete my stupid account ! i hate friendster ! then rushed to get ready for church . supoosed to meet at 1130 for lunch and cell . my plan initially is to NOT TALK to any of my cell people at all and just appear damn down and all . but it didnt really worked . i still talk whenever i go to church . so then met at the expo foodcourt and all . nothing much important . today it was only me nicole and sha . so during worship like everything was nice nice went infront . felt like i was in a high cos everyone ard was jumping and singing nice songs . but thats not how i wanna feel ! i wanna feel the REAL JOY ! but not today . then during worship we sang a new song . holy spirit by planet shakers . that songs always makes me wanna cry . so then i was thinkin about last night and all . like what mom kept saying about god and the holy spirit . and how god is so upset with me . and also how i've hurt her and how much i need the holy spirit . so when shawnie came to pray for me , i broke down . like for the first time during worship since . . i dunno when last year i guess . then during sermon surprisingly i was so attentive despite all that has happened . so today for ministry , the one thing that just spoke to me was the sin of omission . like you know what is right but you just dont do it or you forget to do the right things . that is so me . i really wanted to go infront . but somehow i just didnt . it felt so awkward going infront then cos my seats so faraway and all . but i just had that tugging feeling in my heart telling me to just go . but i tried to ignore it . then they started playing holy spirit again . then i told sha that i really wanted to go infront . but then i said i didnt want too so she just comforted me and all then i just started crying again . like i couldnt stop myself . even when i'm typing all this now ,. i feel like crying . so then shawnie prayed for me and shared me with this verse , i remember a little bit . like we shouldnt envy others and all that . i think it must be my envying that i've beginning to but stuff and all to compete who's dressing is better . but now i'm beginning to realise that i shouldnt be doing that , cos god doesnt want us to compare ourselves with others . and i'm also beginning to understand that all these clothes and bags shoes accessories are all just materialistic things that will fade away once God comes back for us again . todays sermon also talked bout his second coming too . but still , that doesnt stop me from liking them . hahs whatevr ! maybe i'll just become less . . materialistic . so then i'm still feeling guilty bout my mom thing . but yeah . thats the end of it . i just feel damn depressed now .

also this post is really a deep down and private one , it s all about how i really feel inside . not the outer me that other people see . so i'm taking such a great big risk in putting this up . but whatever la . this is like my diary anyways . one day i'm gonna print all my entries out and compile it into a real diary , end of this year .